“I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.”
“Honey, all you have to be by the time you’re 23, is yourself.”Reality Bites, 1994
HEY yall, I’m back!
Ok, first of all – I know that my first post in 2020 should’ve been something fun, motivating, or at least refreshing… Instead, I wrote something about *my* crisis. No problem, you might think, this is like a motivational self-help post with some encouragement quotes, right?
I wrote this based on my real life experience, thoughts & feelings. Other than those, it would be my opinion; so please note that I don’t intend to motivate others or (even worse) educate them.
I think it began in June last year – I started to feel like I was so comfortable living my life, but apparently not in a good way. Soon enough, I started to think about it more often; then I looked how my weekdays go by:
insert: [90% of work*] + [5% of daily routines like eat and sleep] + [5% of etcetera like zumba or short trips].
* includes unnecessary drama & unrealistic requests from clients
Suddenly it looked so boring to me. But isn’t that what we call life?
At this stage, one question leads to another, so they are often left unanswered. These questions, they don’t come all at once. They just randomly show up uninvited.
“I feel that my life is too monotonous; like I’m not growing. This must mean I need some changes, right? Besides, I don’t really like the things I’m currently doing — I’ve always wanted that other thing. Wait… do I really want that thing? Uh, I’m not so sure, actually. Heck, I’m not even sure what I want and love to do. What if people ask me? Oh wow, look at this guy—he’s living the life… and he’s just 25?!! Alright, let me stay focus and work on my targets….. which are still so far away from where I am right now. Ugh, should I just run away to Barcelona with a new identity?
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only human being who feels like this.
Long story short, I left my job in mid September after 2 years – as previously said, mostly because I need *the* change. Don’t ask me what change I’m talking about, tho. LMAO 😂🤣
Anyway, I’ll spill more beans in my next post about quitting my job (stay tune lol). For now, I’m just gonna tell the bigger picture: i took a big step and for the first time in my 24years life,I don’t have any idea about what I’m gonna do next.
And as expected, the typical question when people know about my decision would be, “what’s your next plan?” or “are you gonna stay in HK or going back to Indo?” —which I’m very used to answer lightly.
Anyway – I spent a good 1 month travelling to 2 countries, and planned to study for an exam in December (which I registered in Feb 2019, only God knows why).
So the next typical questions are, “how come you’re always on holiday?” and “how does funemployed feel like?” —which, again, I’m very used to answer lightly.
But there are also moments when a random question feels like a personal attack. Literally, a simple “hey how are you doing?” sounds like, “you seem to be living miserably, can you confirm?”.
THE NEW CHAPTER.
So I’m not gonna lie – I thought the last quarter of 2019 would be better… but it seemed like the universe wouldn’t let me have it.
During my travels in October, I constantly had to remind myself that it’s okay to take a rest and enjoy the moments. But I couldn’t; I felt guilty of not studying, so I studied 1 or 2 chapters in the evenings instead of chilling.
On November, everyday went like I’m detoxing. I had zero motivation to do anything, as if it’s too heavy to move. I didn’t have the energy to socialize, so I only met a few friends and didn’t start new conversations. At the same time, I thought about new things I should be doing – this might be the time for me to continue learning Korean, or at least finish those books I bought only for display.
But I didn’t do anything. And it annoyed me so bad.
It’s like, I overworked and I hated it, and now I had nothing to work on, and I also hate it.
“Hey, I looked at your instagram stories in Thailand. And then suddenly Australia. You’re living a good life, I actually feel so jealous.”
Trust me, someone actually said that to me in person. I was like, whoa, girl, you have no idea what’s been on my mind; thoughts that kept me up all night.
It’s ok actually, I completely get it – it’s not like I have never felt that way to other friends (even strangers!). But this time I decided to only look at me, myself, and I.
Anyway, in late December/early January, I finally figured out my next move: I’ll be coming back to HK (at last!). I also found some things that interest me, and I started them from 0.
The crisis doesn’t just go away though. I still freak out whenever I have to make a big decision related to my future, or when someone asks me “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” — jeez, is this a job interview? 🙄
So to conclude: yes, I still feel anxious and the uncertain about what I’m doing or what I’ll do next. Still feel like I could’ve been something at the age of 24. But I’m also working on myself – trying not to hurry and to take one step at a time.
And to those who experience the similar crisis like mine, now you know that you’re not alone *HIGH FIVE*. Those who don’t — man, good for you! 🙂
OK, now I feel like I’ve written too much LOL I gotta stop here.
I’ll spill the tea on my career-related crisis soon (if I’m not procrastinating).
Adios for now!
Jan 31, 2020.